1) Build automated garbage transport system to get garbage to curb
2) Or remember to put it out the night before
3) Or remember to get the Mynock to put it out the night before
4) Recycling too
5) RECYCLE ALL THE THINGS!!! Except things that can’t be recycled. Like my good looks (those get repurposed)

What’s happening, babe?
I recycle every day
Because I am hot

1) Go back in time and write yesterday’s update today
2) Try to remember to put yesterday’s date as the title
3) Don’t make hump day jokes because yesterday was Tuesday
4) Try not to make a habit of using the time machine for this thing
5) Go buy Tesla stock in the past

1) Try and have a humpback whale of a time!
2) Are you going to llama-me have that one?
3) It’s hump day, you know I always make whale and dromedary pounds on porpoise!
4) If I make another one, you’re going to put me up against the narwhal and shoot me?
5) Well then I’ll see you in cam-HELL!

Wait… Dammit…

1) Create caffeine-infused pillow case with a timed release mechanism

2) If proved unfeasible, caffeine misting system on a timer

3) In either case, use automated-turret tracking technology to hit me with a caffeine dart in the event that I do not get out of bed fast enough

4) Use same automated-turret technology with caffeine dart to get the Mynock out of bed in the morning

5) Use same automated-turret technology with tranquilizer dart to get the Mynock to sleep at night

1) Start a humanitarian organization, Awesomeness Without Borders
2) Use it to spread Awesomeness to every corner of the globe!
3) … Ignore the fact that a globe has no corners
4) Because they’re awesome!
5) Having demolished borders, take over the world and rule it with an awesome fist

1) Automated shaving robot that will shave me whilst I sleep
2) Test it on my enemies
3) While I’m at it, use said enemies to scientifically test all those claims of foods/items that cause/cure cancer, first by seeing which enemies get cancer, and then which of those enemies get cured of it
4) Repeat as neccesary
5) Invent immortality pill, so as to make results reproducable (it’s part of the scientific method!!!)

This will cause cancer.
This will then cure the cancer.
Maybe. You fucker.

1) Use the near-universal love people have for humpback whales as bait to capture mine enemies
2) Use llamas on the ones that are immune
3) Slowly drive them insane by giving them calendars that only show Wednesdays
4) Play that camel “hump day” commercial into their cells incessantly
5) Revel in their slow descent into madness


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